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Remiss Redux

July 22, 2008

Again I’ve been remiss. I started a post last week titled “White Bread: Not Just for Serial Rapists and Holocaust Deniers Anymore,” but I got sidetracked and couldn’t find time to write it. The basic gist of it was, Have you noticed how people (at least in NYC) have developed this knee-jerk revulsion to white bread? The other morning I was making a sandwich for work, and I pulled out some white bread, peanut butter, and jelly. (I’m from the South, give me a break.) My girlfriend (who, to be fair, is a chef) said, “White bread? You really eat white bread?” in the tone of voice that you might use to question the seriousness of someone who just said, “You know, when you think about it, that Hermann Goering had some OK ideas” or “Let’s see what’s on Lifetime.”

Another time I was buying the ingredients to make a baked, brown-sugar-and-dijon-mustard-rubbed bologna. I bought a whole bologna: The lowest of the cold cuts but, and I stand by this, damn good when it’s baked after being coated in a brown sugar and dijon mustard paste. And then I was buying bread. I went for white bread of course (bologna should be served on nothing other), and my friend Alexis says, “You know, you should get some wheat bread, too—people [I was baking the bologna for a picnic] aren’t going to eat white bread.”

“Why the hell not?” I say. “People can eat some goddamned white bread for once, it won’t kill them.” And, I’m pleased to say, they did (eat it, I mean, not get killed) and they enjoyed it, by gum—but probably only because I refused to kow-tow to the nefarious and all-consuming wheat bread lobby which has so ensnared the hearts and minds of Joes Lunchpail and College alike.

So I guess that wasn’t really the gist; That was more or less the whole post I had plotted out, though perhaps with a little less anti-wheat bread invective. I mean, it’s hot out. It’s hard to be vitriolic when it’s so hot.

Finally: Here’s a treat for those of you who’ve slogged all the way through this post: A Men’s Health video story about my friend Michael’s pig roast that I helped out with back on May 31. The text of the article is pretty bare-bones and how-to (though still good, if you want to learn how to run a pig roast), but the video really captures it. I’m in it a couple of times, too: I’m wearing a white T-shirt, white apron, and a brown bandanna tied around my forehead. Oh, and I have a mustache, for any readers of this blog who might not know me in physical person (hope springs eternal).

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Barrett permalink
    July 24, 2008 1:21 am

    Even I remember the notorious potted meat snacks. To this day I can’t pass potted meat (which, might I add, contains “mechanically separated [fill in your meat here] parts”) in the grocery store without thinking of Mr. Slaton.

    [shudder]

  2. Jake Freedom permalink
    July 24, 2008 2:12 pm

    I would like to go ahead and say that the potted meat hors d’oeuvres are a Slaton family classic and I think about them daily.

  3. emily permalink
    July 24, 2008 4:24 pm

    I would like to go ahead and say that I’d never heard of potted meat before I read this entry. So I went to Wikipedia and learned about it. Oh my god.

    Also, Hunter, my dad will proudly join your pro-white bread revolution. I will only join it in the case of grilled cheese sammiches.

  4. Joe permalink
    July 30, 2008 9:41 pm

    I showed this post to a friend of mine and in the picture of you and the pig, he said that you and the other fellow look like Mario and Luigi’s cousins who decided to be butchers rather than plumbers.

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